alive

A very and merely human trait is (self-)reflection. And just as natural are doubts that arise during phases of selfreflection. I know I’m being redundant so I’ll just continue my thoughts from the last entry… We start questioning things. Especially relationships are being questioned - not only the currently existing ones but also and especially the past ones since they are more doubtable due to their not any more existing status. Friendships come and go - some stay longer some shorter. And those which end without you even knowing why - are not actually worth bothering. So which are worth it? I’ve come to define a part of friendship with my closest friend as the number of times you may say “no” to a friend. A real friend accepts a “no” - if you don’t feel like like going out drinking, going for a walk or to the theater because you are in a bad mood, tired, sick… It is about letting the other person be and not forcing this friend. With another friend I came to agree that another part is forgivness. If you really worship a friendship you will not let a minor cause end it. There should be the ability to apologize and to accept an apology without appending what happened. A way to recognize real friendship is that even after weeks and months of almost no contact you cna meet without any weird feeling and just be happy seeing this friend again and talk as if no distance had ever come between you.

The other thing that will be questioned during these doubtful phases of reflection is probably love. And sex. How many partners have there been - how had the relationship been and how is it now? Was it good or bad - was it worth it or could the whole thing have been spared? Did it break you heart? Or were you the heartbreaker? Was it love, deep affection or just sex? Well let me ask another question - did you learn anything? If you can answer with “yes” - I’d say it was worth it, no matter the outcome. If you didn’t - you may wanna think over your tactic again… or your ability of (self-)reflection…
We are all only human and thus we make mistakes - all of us. The art is learning from these mistakes and gaining a kind of wisdom of how human realtions may work. No one will ever know everything or do it all perfect - but you will develop skills that will help you and those you are dealing with.
But that’s not the only reason for us to have relationships, is it? We seek love, safety, satisfaction… Some people may come to a point when they ask themselves “have I ever been really loved?” truly, deeply, honestly, unconditionally? I guess we can only know towards the end of our lifes when we gathered enough maturity and experience to be able to distinguish. Maybe - well rather probably - not all of what we experience throughout our life will be originate from deep, pure love - but as long as it makes you happy or safe in that particular moment - it couldn’t have been that wrong. Just take care it’s not just filling emptyness so there is enjoyment in the foreground and not only the urge for distraction or anesthetization of loneliness.

Sometimes I’m wondering whether life is just a big chase for answers. Don’t we always ask questions? Starting when we are kids and try to grasp the world we’ve been born into. Later - maybe starting around puberty - about other people, like “what does he/she think about me?” “why is he acting like this?” “what does she mean when she sais that?” …

And later there is adolescence - when you are juristically grown up (18 or maybe 21) but don’t feel really matured or grown-up yet. Though we are always searching for who we really are I think the identity crisis has its climax in this phase when we are suppossed to enter adulthood and take our place in the rigorous pattern of our society. Fit in or die.  Just the questions now differ from back then. It’s more about - which way is right, does this person fit in my plan -what IS my plan? How to go on, which descision will bring me closer to what I want to reach and who I want to be? And what is it I (ME MYSELF) want to reach, instead of what is being imposed on me - by parents, friends, mentors, society…

Later, of course, the searching has not stopped, but the intesity thends to be a little lower, since in most cases we have found our path and it is rather about the fine-tuning than the general direction.

In order to answer all those questions mankind has thought of hundreds of ways and tools to help us find guidance… astrology, numerology, meditation, hand-reading, rune reading, … And all to find out about who we are and we are going to. The hip and modern version are personality tests, teling us what kind of student, employee, lover, parent, manager and what-ever-else we are. Does it help? We don’t actually know, but it might help some people feel better, thus it serves the purpose.The probably is no patent remedy. We need to listen into ourselves, turn off the voices that are trying to influence us, try not to become unsettled by someone who does not understand our dreams and urges - in the same time we should not try to put value on different motivations and plans, and judge on anyone else’s dreams since it is up to every individual itself finding his/her inner centre is his/her own way! So listen to what your inner self tells you is your way but don’t blindly ignore well meant advice from those who like you - take it into consideration - and then listen again ;-)

If it really is, that we may only live a little part of what is inside us - what is going to happen to the rest of it?
I have been thinking about this a lot recently - without expressing it this distilled. What are the different possible scenarios I CAN imagine - and how many of them might BE ABLE to exist parallel or consecutive? We have always had to choose in life… but a certain point when we finally actually realize that nothing is infinite and our possibilities are limited we eventually start to make real decisions. We kind of notice that our backpack can not be filled with ALL these items but we will need to leave some behind because they won’t fit with the rest. Some combinations might be hindering for us at a certain point while others will come in handy in any case.
I guess by deciding on which little part of our life to live we in fact decide on who we want to be, what we want to become - and maybe also on who we already are. So what about the rest of it? Hopefully we figured out what might not make us happy, lead to a dead-end? Or is it more in a sense of not expressing what is inside us and not being the way we actually are? Hiding our true inner self? In which case we can only try to find someone making us feel safe and welcome - the way we are. And if not? We should try to be as much of ourselves as possible because if we don’t the “what about the rest of us” will follow us.

People like to ask one another how they imagine their ideal partner - I say that doesn’t matter. Actually I have no clue how this soul mate should be and most people do not share their life with this ideal partner anyway. At the end of the day this person should make you feel good and right - that’s what it is about and not whether that person is of the right height, weight, hair, style and what-so-ever.

The right person should love you in such a subtle way like your cat or dog would do. Sounds funny? Well my cat does not bother about my hair as long as he’s allowed to chew on it when it’s freshly washed and he doesn’t mind my clothing as long as I love him and he doesn’t mind my hobbies as long as I don’t forget to take good care of him. That simple it is - if things are ideal you are able to accept that person how this person is, you don’t try to change each other in terms of how to dress or style your hair. You are empathic about the other one and try to understand instead of always just putting each other down if things don’t work out as you planned for yourself. You don’t force each other into anything but try to find fair compromises if necessary that suit both. In short - honest love and true respect, that’s what makes a relationship work - and not how nicely shaped your partner is or what car he drives.

Ever since I decided to dedicate 6 complete months to the sole purpose of travelling through Asia, Australia and New Zealand more and more opinions have been thrown on me. Some of them quite puzzling due to their complete non-understanding of my intention. The reasoning was that there was no difference if one would go on vaccation for 2 or 3 weeks for several times or do those trips within half a year - as you would see the same places in a number of short-trips, just some time appart in comparison to one long journey. Other questions were directed to the choice of destinations, what was so interesting about Asia, for instance. Or, why going to Australia if everyone is going there. It is actually very simple and in the same time very complex… Fist of all, travelling provides the person with a feeling, doesn’t it? And the feeling, at least for me, becomes more intense the more different the environment I am exploring is from what I have known up to then. And what could be more different from the Western culture than Asia (or Africa, maybe South America)? And what could be more different from a Europe where after a short time of driving by car you unnoticed cross the border of a country, find yourself in another context of language, mentality, food and what-so-ever - while Australia is one country which is so wide that even after hours and hours you will still find yourself within this one cultural context? Moreover, if you are experiencing this vibrating feeling within yourself, when you start to feel free during a journey, this somehow intoxiating feeling when you soak up all those impressions while discovering how big and diverse our world is - how much more intense will this become during a time-span of 6 months or more, when you get to know your personal borders while discovering things you can not read in books or see in a TV-documentation

Have you ever thought about what gives you the greatest happiness? And are you actually aware of the fact, that only YOU can make yourself happy? If you don’t know what makes you happy or how to get there – how on earth should anyone else know? Caught you?

It is a lot about perception and attitude – one influencing the other. Sometimes you just have to be modest in your expectations as some situations already are as good as they get. Of course that doesn’t always work – would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Happiness is, as many things, not a state but a process you need to work on constantly. You can’t expect to once establish it and then you’re there – happily ever after. Why? Because you change, the world changes, your environment changes – your very own goals, view points and hence expectations change continuously. So if you feel that a situation doesn’t meet your expectations anymore, doesn’t provide you with happiness anymore – think about what needs to change. The situation, your attitude, something completely else which however influences the other?

I have often been told and long been thinking that I am not a romantic person, since I don’t fall for cheesy proposals, romantic holiday with the lover in the honeymoon suite, marriage with your high school sweetheart, don’t assume that if two people get together they eventually are going to spend the rest of their lives together… and all this which is being sold as “romantic” to us…
After thinking about it I decided that there must be different kinds of romance. For me there is a romance in travelling and seing the world, in experiencing this urging feeling, this hunger for something new. New people, new cultures, experiences and things to see and do. It lies in the excitement of just going somewhere without knowing where to sleep, how to get around there, how long to stay… The self-confidence and independency of not actually needing someone at your side - but being happy if there is someone you are happy to do so for however long this might last.
“But where is the love in all this” will all the traditonally romantic people ask… well, there you go; in this picture the romance also lies in meeting someone while being on the move who all of a sudden will alleviate this urging feeling. This person will become significant and if it is a person without longing for travelling - he or she might become infected by the traveller and start travelling with the other - and in turn be able to give the traveller a reason to stay and place to return between journeys… forever? I don’t know - people are people and life is life - meaning, you never know what happens since everything is changing constantly.

No matter what it is about; the more often you do it, the more of it you got - the less value and meaning is left to every single of it. If being random you are less careful in the choice ending up having actually less because the quality is just no good, well not as good as it could have been if being more fussy. You might not realizse it for quite a while, but at some point you notice the deficit. Maybe even in more and more of them - dissapointing, right? So if you don’t learn from it and stop meaningless consumption you might find a growing blankness which you’ll try to fill in with more. But, there again is the catch about random, meaningless low-value… try to do and get less- but make sure it is good!

“Having ants in the pants” - sounds funny, brings a lot of movement to your life and enriches you in various ways… moreover it might tire you. Always being on the run, semi-annual change of location of living and permanent back and forth movement while searching… but what?
A song I like says that people who have to get away are actually searching for themselves. Probably right, but can’t it sometimes be challenging to find your place in such a huge and dynamic world? All the change we experience every day - inside and outside us, all this movement - everywhere. Rather exceptional to always know who you are and where you belong to. I was told that it’s only oneself who can create one’s home. After various changes in place, “home”, friends and occupations I get an understanding though I still have not internalized this - but I am feeling more and more that it’s true. That even the best place in the world can be wrong for you if you decide it to be wrong and the most inhospitale place can be your home if you only want it to be. It is not only about your personal perception, of course, but sometimes little “features” can help the whole thing a lot - what they are? Figure out yourself what makes you feel home.

Eine Zeit kann noch so schön - oder auch nicht sein… ist das Ende in Sicht will man es einfach fertig haben. Der neue Abschnitt wartet, der alte is gewohnt, bekannt und wird abgesessen.

Schließlich ist es soweit und alles ist wieder neu, unbekannt, muss entdeckt werden - und kostet Kraft. Nur scheinen viele Menschen lieber Kraft für etwas Neues aufzuwenden als die gleiche Energie in etwas Altes zu stecken um dieses am laufen oder interessant genug zu erhalten.

Thinking of change, new… I considered it to be worth trying this whole thing in english - or bilingual. We’ll see during the process ;-)