alive

A very and merely human trait is (self-)reflection. And just as natural are doubts that arise during phases of selfreflection. I know I’m being redundant so I’ll just continue my thoughts from the last entry… We start questioning things. Especially relationships are being questioned - not only the currently existing ones but also and especially the past ones since they are more doubtable due to their not any more existing status. Friendships come and go - some stay longer some shorter. And those which end without you even knowing why - are not actually worth bothering. So which are worth it? I’ve come to define a part of friendship with my closest friend as the number of times you may say “no” to a friend. A real friend accepts a “no” - if you don’t feel like like going out drinking, going for a walk or to the theater because you are in a bad mood, tired, sick… It is about letting the other person be and not forcing this friend. With another friend I came to agree that another part is forgivness. If you really worship a friendship you will not let a minor cause end it. There should be the ability to apologize and to accept an apology without appending what happened. A way to recognize real friendship is that even after weeks and months of almost no contact you cna meet without any weird feeling and just be happy seeing this friend again and talk as if no distance had ever come between you.

The other thing that will be questioned during these doubtful phases of reflection is probably love. And sex. How many partners have there been - how had the relationship been and how is it now? Was it good or bad - was it worth it or could the whole thing have been spared? Did it break you heart? Or were you the heartbreaker? Was it love, deep affection or just sex? Well let me ask another question - did you learn anything? If you can answer with “yes” - I’d say it was worth it, no matter the outcome. If you didn’t - you may wanna think over your tactic again… or your ability of (self-)reflection…
We are all only human and thus we make mistakes - all of us. The art is learning from these mistakes and gaining a kind of wisdom of how human realtions may work. No one will ever know everything or do it all perfect - but you will develop skills that will help you and those you are dealing with.
But that’s not the only reason for us to have relationships, is it? We seek love, safety, satisfaction… Some people may come to a point when they ask themselves “have I ever been really loved?” truly, deeply, honestly, unconditionally? I guess we can only know towards the end of our lifes when we gathered enough maturity and experience to be able to distinguish. Maybe - well rather probably - not all of what we experience throughout our life will be originate from deep, pure love - but as long as it makes you happy or safe in that particular moment - it couldn’t have been that wrong. Just take care it’s not just filling emptyness so there is enjoyment in the foreground and not only the urge for distraction or anesthetization of loneliness.

Sometimes I’m wondering whether life is just a big chase for answers. Don’t we always ask questions? Starting when we are kids and try to grasp the world we’ve been born into. Later - maybe starting around puberty - about other people, like “what does he/she think about me?” “why is he acting like this?” “what does she mean when she sais that?” …

And later there is adolescence - when you are juristically grown up (18 or maybe 21) but don’t feel really matured or grown-up yet. Though we are always searching for who we really are I think the identity crisis has its climax in this phase when we are suppossed to enter adulthood and take our place in the rigorous pattern of our society. Fit in or die.  Just the questions now differ from back then. It’s more about - which way is right, does this person fit in my plan -what IS my plan? How to go on, which descision will bring me closer to what I want to reach and who I want to be? And what is it I (ME MYSELF) want to reach, instead of what is being imposed on me - by parents, friends, mentors, society…

Later, of course, the searching has not stopped, but the intesity thends to be a little lower, since in most cases we have found our path and it is rather about the fine-tuning than the general direction.

In order to answer all those questions mankind has thought of hundreds of ways and tools to help us find guidance… astrology, numerology, meditation, hand-reading, rune reading, … And all to find out about who we are and we are going to. The hip and modern version are personality tests, teling us what kind of student, employee, lover, parent, manager and what-ever-else we are. Does it help? We don’t actually know, but it might help some people feel better, thus it serves the purpose.The probably is no patent remedy. We need to listen into ourselves, turn off the voices that are trying to influence us, try not to become unsettled by someone who does not understand our dreams and urges - in the same time we should not try to put value on different motivations and plans, and judge on anyone else’s dreams since it is up to every individual itself finding his/her inner centre is his/her own way! So listen to what your inner self tells you is your way but don’t blindly ignore well meant advice from those who like you - take it into consideration - and then listen again ;-)